I'm ever so sorry for the misleading title if you are an adult bedwetter who thought they finally found someone who can relate to their shame. Alas, my secret shame is not bedwetting, but remains to this day that I eat food off the floor, showing little to no regard for the possibly fictitious 10 second rule (I fell asleep in the mythbusters where they investigated this, most boring episode ever.) I have also noticed that if left to my own devices, I can and will subsist solely on canned beans for up to 5 days before bean disdain sets in. I don't know if that's shameful or awesome.
Are you thinking now that I'm just trying to trick you with an exciting title and I'm just gonna prattle on about beans for an entire post? I just don't understand why not everyone is as enthusiastic about beans as I am, but fine, I will get to the heart of the matter.
In my quest for outdoor furniture that looks like this:
But doesn't cost me my firstborn child, I turned to trusty craigslist. I found a giant twin bed-sized ottoman type thing that looked loungey and was my in my price range of $35. It was all covered in indoor fabric, however, and in case you weren't aware, it can actually get pretty rainy up here in the Pacific Northwest. As I pondered a way to outdoorize it cheaply, I came upon the realization that the entire sky is like a giant bedwetter from the heavens. (Hallmark, feel free to pay me to use this on a card. I take cash.)
Actually, that didn't happen. I googled waterproof mattress covers and happened upon a gem of a site,
. So I decided to buy a plain white vinyl mattress cover and then I could cover it in fancypants outdoor fabric once I got my next paycheck.
It looked like this it was very pretty
I place my order, then contentedly occupy my time with my traditional self-destructive habit of looking on craigslist for a better deal on something I had just purchased. Lo and behold, I found it. It was a wicker set that was ALREADY sky piss-proofed and I wanted it really bad. Alas, I had just spent $20 on a stupid useless vinyl mattress cover. Panic set in and seeing as patience is not a virtue of mine, I couldn't handle waiting to e-mail them asking them to cancel my order. I called them frantically, my thoughts consumed by how much Top Ramen could be purchased with the $20 I may have just thrown out the window. I got someone on the phone and after hastily explaining that I really needed to cancel my order, she said, "well ma'am, what site are you ordering from? I take service calls from three different sites." So I of course blurted out "Bed-wetting.com!" She calmly promised to cancel my order, and I hang up with a sign of relief until I notice all the familiar markings of doom -- an eerie silence, the clicking of fellow keyboards --did I forget to mention something? I was at work.
That is ridiculous, you might say. That is really stupid and how could you possibly forget you were at work? Well, it's not that I forgot, it's that when I'm at work focusing on things that are way more exciting to me than my actual job, I have a tendency to zone out and I'm in my happy place that doesn't include anything work-related, including my co-workers that surround my desk. It's like I have a gift: people are constantly hovering around my desk, as it is in the center of the office, talking to each other about work-related matters and I will just be happily googling the shit out of how to make beeswax candles or something like that, completely oblivious to anyone else who is not currently wasting company time. So needless to say my co-workers heard me cancel my order from a bed-wetting website.
And that is the story of how my co-workers think I'm an impulse-purchasing bed-wetter.
PS: While I was writing this post, I was clearly scouring the internet for images of bed-wetters, and no less than 3 co-workers have walked by during this process. They may have an intervention for me.
PPS: The wicker chairs were taken by some other asshole who had the audacity to respond to the ad before me. I still have the original ottoman and have weatherproofed it by staple-gunning it with $1.29 plastic sheeting. It is the utmost image of class.